50 shades of fucked up – OMG this is hilarious…

So I woke up this morning and forgot it was Tuesday — so thanks Blizzard because everything is down. Why am I punished for living in EST?

I started reading Facebook and I decided instead of sharing every single article that I’ve been reading about the new EL James book “Grey” (You know, 50 shades of Grey from Grey’s point of view) and how terrible it was – and then about how she was part of a twitter Q&A and just got absolutely SLAMMED…

I’m just going to compile them here so you can peruse at your leisure.

Scott Bryan read’s the new book Grey and shares the epic horribleness of it. 

Buzzfeed shares the sum of the twitter  Q&A with EL James and she gets roasted. Mashable has some gems too.

Here are some of my favorites

Back in the day when the first round of books came out, a good friend introduced me to this amazing reading of 50 shades by Trout Nation. If you haven’t read 50 shades but want to get a summary of it from someone who actually writes good erotica – then this is the way to go. She was so annoyed that she wrote her own fiction piece called “The Boss” 

If you need a break from reading, click here for a name generator. My 50 Shades of Grey Name is Clarissa Gunmetal.

Pop Sugar has some alternatives to the FSOG series… I haven’t read these but… maybe they’re better?

and since I have the attention span of a Dug from Up

All the Feels

How Do You Feel?

I feel-
the big floppy alligator tears and the vomit inducing waves of clarity- slowly- like fog burning off the Monterey bay.

I feel –
Trapped and small and afraid.

Same feelings over and over:
“Shuffle one” instead of “shuffle all”

I feel-
All the fragmented thoughts.
Does not compute.
Your startup disk is full.
Verify your disk.
Repair permissions.

As if permission was verified in the first place.

The memory bytes replay again and again and again and again

Not like the song from the Bird and the Bee.

No. This song is different-

Missing notes.
Pounding, not tickling, the ivories.

There’s no catchy tune.

This is a “No-one-wants-to-hear-it but I have to play it anyway” song.

Just fucking “Let it go”.
Shake it off.

I have to feel all the feels
again and again and again and again.

Practice makes the heart grow stronger.

April 28, 2015

Ten things you now know about me

10 things you (probably) don’t know about me:

1. I’ve recorded a song with a choir at Capital Records.

2. I’ve slow danced with Colm Meaney.

3. There was a time where Jason Schwartzman knew who I was on site.

4. I can do a seriously convincing Minnesotan accent.

5. I personally know someone who has been in a movie called “Teenage Catgirls in Heat.” (Spoiler alert, it’s not a porno)

6. In graduate school, I once took notes on a banana. It was a flow chart on how to tell if something should use a direct or indirect article. (Yes I have pictures).

7. I have no memory of this, but people have reminded me that in a Q&A with Ray Bradbury, I asked him about his feelings on Star Wars.

8. My hair has been EVERY color. Favorite was pink.

9. I used to tutor Chemistry in college.

10. While on the subway in Korea, a really old woman spoke to me in Korean and heavily gesticulated that I should run more, to be skinnier. I mimed, and then yelled at her, in English, that I was pregnant (not true, but fuck her). She wasn’t getting it so the lady next to me translated for her. (She was probably tired of hearing it).

If you liked this and want to play yourself, my favorite number is 28, so you can do 28, 2, 8, or 2+8=10 things.

Maya Angelou, under boob sweat, farmers, poisoned hummus, and Shakespearean Star Wars

What I read today:

Why small farmers can’t make a living

Under boob sweat solutions (and failures)

USPS messes up Maya Angelou Stamp

William Shakespeare wrote The Phantom Menace

Lucy Scott draws honest parenting cartoons for realists

Your Sabra brand Hummus may have listeria.

Also- I watched this and then made this.