To Begin to Write

So, there’s a lot in my brain, pretty regularly. I mentioned to a friend the other day that most of the time I feel broken. It’s complicated. I try so hard to to listen to the stupid negative thoughts that float through my brain. I fight them, I stay positive. It’s exhausting.

Today, right now… I feel like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m not sure why. I just had a good morning. My friend came over for a much needed play date. I had an amazing chocolate croissant, a coffee, and I even began the process of a new project. I painted with Charlotte this morning. I mean, all things considered… It’s a good day.

But I feel overwhelming sadness. Like my skin is turned inside out and I’m all raw nerves. i feel things too strongly. I got back upstairs and Tony asked me what I needed. I realized that I all I wanted to do was to be alone, quite, less stimuli. Too much is attacking my senses.

Maybe yesterday I saw too many things. Maybe My brain needs quite. Maybe my toddler’s constant neediness, aggression, and controntation is wearing on me. Everything I do with her is a struggle.

I feel so tired. I have to leave in an hour to go to physical therapy. I’m really both happy and not about this. I’ve only been able to go once last week and my back is in a lot of pain. I’m happy to do the work out part, but it hurts. Also, another set of overwhelming sense. The bus ride… people… not speaking the language… navigating. And something about the hospital makes me incredibly sad. I guess it’s because of where I am. The physical rehabilitation clinic and outpatient therapy is full of all kinds of people who need help. A lot of them are children.

I want to take a nap. Maybe just for an hour. And then I’ll get up and start again. Try again. Do it again.

I know, I know. Emotions, by their very nature are transient. Even if I wanted to, I could not feel exactly this way tomorrow… but right now, right now it’s all shades of grey. And not the sexy-horribly written- trashy-romance novel kind.


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