85% 100% Complete.
7:something am – Wake up with Charlotte. Tony says I can go back to sleep. Go back to sleep, wake up 5 minutes later (apparently 90 minutes in real time). Shower and dress. Skip coffee, breakfast, and meds for fasting blood tests. Rock the shit out of a cute dress and flip flops.
It’s 50° and foggy. Gorgeous weather. Call taxi – get taxi confirmation via text- wait for taxi. Go to on base hospital- 8:40 am – do blood work.
Yes I have fasted. Can’t you see I haven’t had coffee?
Get blood drawn, exchange platitudes. Try to walk to nutritionist’s office without passing the psychiatric ward. Unable to find a route that accomplishes this. Have a small anxiety attack passing psychiatric ward. Wait for nutritionist. Notice giant sculpture examples of fat vs muscle. See nutritionist. Weight hasn’t changed. This is amazing given my eating-through-my-emotional-trauma and new obsession for Korean snacks. (Thanks Ben). Discuss soul crushing depression. Agree to meet elsewhere for next appointment to mitigate anxiety attacks. Agree that focusing on mental health over new additions to diet is a solid plan. Find out my vitamin D levels are impressively low, taking supplements. Told not to do Paleo. Leave appointment.
Go to TriCare office. Ask why my referrals haven’t been processed. They’ve been hiding in the system. They are now not hiding. The guy to process them isn’t here. Will be sent to him ASAP so he can do it on Monday. Get number to follow up because I know they won’t actually do it.
Cab to PX/Starbucks/4 seasons. Inhale venti soy white Mocha. 4 seasons is a bust. Several expensive heart rate monitors and calorie/exercise trackers but no simple pedometer. Pretty sure those are about $5 at Target. Miss Target. Oh Target, how I pine for you. Head to PX. PX is a success! Ask a fellow shopper if she knows where the lint rollers are, she shows me. I had walked right past them twice. (FYI they are in the cleaning section, which I expected, but they are next to the mops and buckets, which I did not expect.) Walk past another woman who was looking for the same thing. I show her where they are. It’s like a fucking lint roller pay-it-forward day. Check out. Exchange platitudes.
Get cab – two stops – check mail and home. There are three different mail rooms in the area where ours is.
No, not that one, no, the other one. The one by the motor pool. Yes. In the back. By the buses. Please wait for 2 minutes. Get mail. Package. Get package. Exchange platitudes. Get back in cab. Home please.
And then home. 10:30 am. Take meds, drink water, and Tony reminds me to eat. Grab stuff to bring to therapy. Mostly just the sketch I did
Find something to put it in so it wont bend. Grab bags, hug Charlotte, hug husband. Put on leggings under dress to prevent chafing, leave.
11 am flag cab to head to Gongdeok station. Using hand gestures and my zero Korean, I acknowledge that I understand I need to pay by credit card or t-money card as he doesn’t have change. Arrive at the station, pay, walk to building, call up through to the office. (Elevator situation: I have to stop on the 1st floor, get out, talk to the security guard and mime/request to be scanned to the 25th floor – mostly because I’m a foreigner they already know where I’m headed.) Ask politely for the other man in the elevator to scan his key card so I can get to the 25th floor. Get to skip step with security guard. Yay. He asks where I’m from. I say I live in Seoul. He asks where I’m from, I say California. He says goodbye as he exits his floor.
Check into appointment 11:20 am. Therapy. Discuss soul crushing depression, recent issues and all other manners inside my brain, cry. Leave feeling better. Catch cab home. Cab driver can’t decipher my Korean address in his GPS. Tell him to go to Seoul Station. Seoul Station? Ne. Seoul yeok. Point out large KDB building upon arrival. Get to my house.
1:00pm Eat again. Hug Charlotte. Show her how to use a lint roller instead of brandishing it as a weapon. Debate removing leggings. Weigh pros and cons of the extra warmth of leggings versus the prospect of chafing. Keep leggings. 1:30 pm. Put her down for a nap, wake Tony from his nap to say I’m leaving.
1:45 wait for elevator. See neighbors. Say hello. They are speaking some other language. Not sure. Sounds German. Was it German? Definitely some German. Say hello in elevator.
Yes I have a daughter.
Wonder if she’s bothered them with noise. Introduce myself. Totes don’t understand their names but too embarrassed to ask again.
Yes I’m from the US. I grew up in CA. My husband is military. We have lived here for almost a year. You’re German? No. South African. Oh. But you were speaking German? No. Afrikaans. Oh. It shares words with German and Dutch and is only like 400 years old. Oh ok. Well it was nice to meet you too. 1:55 pm Call cab. — 85% complete
Cab arrives. 121 Hopsital (it’s like I was just there). Check into my psychiatry appointment. Wait. iPhone is dying. See Psychiatrist. 2:30pm.
Yes, the weather is getting warmer. No, I don’t have Charlotte with me. Yes, she is still modeling. I know, she’s super cute.
Sit down, here’s the deal. Soul crushing depression. Meds still, not, quite doing their job. Bipolar seems in check – just – stuck in the depression part. Still. Again. Still. Options include… increase medication #3, change medication #3 or do nothing. Discuss pros and cons. Discuss non medication therapy options in addition to current weekly therapy. Come to understand that there’s a possibility that despite what cocktail of meds I have, I may never actually find the right combination and will have to work harder to manage my depression – like – with doing things and being grateful and helping others and leaving the house. Presumably showering is involved. And interacting with people. I understand this. Feel mixed. I am doing those things. I am still struggling. Overall agree. What she says is true. Those things help. I will keep doing them. I will look for a balance.
Decide to go with option #1. Max out med #3. Pick up prescriptions. Exchange platitudes. Realize that there is no way I am cooking dinner. Message Tony. 3:15pm
Message Ben. Tony is in the shower. Oh. I’m going to this restaurant. Look at the menu and tell me what you want. Nothing? Are you sure? Really? Ok. Is Tony out of the shower? Please relay message.
Tony texts while I’m in the cab. iPhone battery is at 10%.
Order food. Find a place to sit and charge phone. OMFG THERE IS AN UPDATE TO PLANTS VS ZOMBIES 2. Download it immediately. Wait impatiently. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. It’s DOWNLOADED! Play. Wait for install. Wait. Wait wait. 3:30pm. Play. Damn my phone screen is tiny. Message Ben.
Pick up food. Check everything is right. Walk to cab stand. No cabs. Wait. No cabs. Call cab service. There are no cabs, there is a line. Please put it out over the radio. Cab arrives. Home please.
Waiting for the elevator. 4:00pm
The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I eat my food. I feed the kid. I watch random TV with her. I try to pass the time because I am so-so-so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. I put her in the bath and pick up a book to read. Like, a real book, with pages. Not an e-book. I haven’t read a real book since before I had her… I read. It happens to be the perfect book. More on that later. As soon as she goes to bed at 8:30pm I put myself in bed.