I want to stay up and to sleep.
I want to be productive and play video games.
I want to be creative and do nothing.
I want to go on a walk and lay on the couch. (While watching Suits)
I want to be social and I want to be alone.
I like people and I don’t like being around too many of them at once.
I want to do more things outside of the house and I want to hibernate.
I want to cook more, eat better, and be healthier and I spent most of this week mentally cursing out my nutritionist. The funny this is that I like him. We made a plan together. I like the plan. I like the tools.
However when I picked up a cookie today and are it followed by a graham cracker chaser I thought: Fuck you Dr Nutrition- you want me to calculate the total nutritional value for the mango salsa (that I just made) and guess the portion size and then guess how much I ate? Do you know how much I ate!? I ate all. Of. It. Over the span of 3 days. And it was epic. And it tasted great. One night I ate it with a taco with organic ground beef and pinto refried beans I made from scratch along with organic brown rice. The next day I ate it with a cheese less quesadilla with the same ingredients. Tomorrow- I will eat the rest of it because it is delicious. And everything in it is healthy. Whole. Fresh.
And this morning – I was at Starbucks. I had my kid. It was 10. I hadn’t really eaten and I hadn’t had coffee and I drank the shit out of my venti soy white chocolate mocha -thankyouverymuch- and I ate 98% of the pastries I bought to share because my 2 year old couldn’t keep up. That’s right Dr Nutrition. Fuck you.
I want to curl up into a ball – thinking of nothing – grasping for an escape from my brain.
I’m not 100% sure what I’m hiding from but I played several hours of SNES’ Harvest Moon – so something isn’t as it should be.