And.

I want to stay up and to sleep.
I want to be productive and play video games.
I want to be creative and do nothing.
I want to go on a walk and lay on the couch. (While watching Suits)
I want to be social and I want to be alone.
I like people and I don’t like being around too many of them at once.
I want to do more things outside of the house and I want to hibernate.

I want to cook more, eat better, and be healthier and I spent most of this week mentally cursing out my nutritionist. The funny this is that I like him. We made a plan together. I like the plan. I like the tools.

However when I picked up a cookie today and are it followed by a graham cracker chaser I thought: Fuck you Dr Nutrition- you want me to calculate the total nutritional value for the mango salsa (that I just made) and guess the portion size and then guess how much I ate? Do you know how much I ate!? I ate all. Of. It. Over the span of 3 days. And it was epic. And it tasted great. One night I ate it with a taco with organic ground beef and pinto refried beans I made from scratch along with organic brown rice. The next day I ate it with a cheese less quesadilla with the same ingredients. Tomorrow- I will eat the rest of it because it is delicious. And everything in it is healthy. Whole. Fresh.

And this morning – I was at Starbucks. I had my kid. It was 10. I hadn’t really eaten and I hadn’t had coffee and I drank the shit out of my venti soy white chocolate mocha -thankyouverymuch- and I ate 98% of the pastries I bought to share because my 2 year old couldn’t keep up. That’s right Dr Nutrition. Fuck you.

I want to curl up into a ball – thinking of nothing – grasping for an escape from my brain.

I’m not 100% sure what I’m hiding from but I played several hours of SNES’ Harvest Moon – so something isn’t as it should be.

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4 thoughts on “And.

  1. Can I like this post a hundred million times?! I so much know how you feel. Right now I’m just trying to conquer little things at a time and slowly add to them. It’s going okay. I’m doing much better with housekeeping (i.e. doing it at all), and the oils I’m using is really cutting down on the emotional eating and the number of times I nearly (or actually) lose mental and emotional control. But I still have a LONG way to go.

    I’m trying to get my health/nutrition/weight loss journey started (again) too. Part of me kind of looks forward to it. Though, I more look forward to being at the destination and despise the thought of the journey. I’m STILL trying to be seen by a nutritionist (which I don’t really like the idea of, but I clearly am not able to do it on my own). The one on base here is too busy, so they want to send my referral on to another base (and who knows if they will have room either). -sigh-

    • Thank you. It’s so hard because even though I know better – I don’t often feel like anyone else is in my shoes. Sidebar. It’s not acceptable for your insurance not to provide you with the help you need. Keep calling. Give me the info. I’ll call for you pretending to be you. It’s gots to be done (mutter mutter oops just remembered I have to call for myself too) — also I’m a little in love with the app “loseit” it’s free. It had a barcode scanner and it’s totally easy to use. It helps. A lot.

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