I’m having nightmares again. We are leaving for the states in 3 days – well, today is almost over – so 2 days? I don’t know. I have a lot on my mind. My anxiety is crazy. It’s making me crazy. It’s making my husband crazy. I swear I’m doing my best to keep it under wraps but maybe that’s just it. I’m trying to control it. Something like the hulk said in Avengers- his secret is to be angry all the time. Maybe I should stop trying to control things. It’s so hard. I have a perfectionist streak that I didn’t become aware of until recently. I guess it’s less that I need things to be perfect. As I need them to be done *my* way. Which is obviously the right (and probably only) way.
It’s hard to surrender control. Especially since there are so many aspects of my life where I am requires to plan, and plan, and make sure that absolutely everything is done ……or else? I don’t know. I have kids. Leaving the house requires 20 minutes of prep time.
There’s this line between emergency preparedness and insanity. My family is highly alarmist and I’ve taken much of that to heart.
Planning is important. Until it makes me miserable. So here I go. I’m going to not. Be. Miserable.