Today’s been unique and special. The details aren’t particular but I’ve had a lot of time to ponder. The human experience, my own ideas, and my anxiety. It’s an unfortunate companion of late. I feel less eloquent than I used to be. I always felt like other authors explain things better.
“They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They dont need to show their badges. I know these guys very well.
…then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity;but he always does that.”
-Page 47, Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Replace “loneliness” with anxiety and that fits me well. Don’t get me too wrong- depression leads me to loneliness also, but I’m talking about anxiety.
There’s a time when so much kicks in -life- whatever – and you just function on adrenalin, anxiety has a way of either pushing you forward or running you into a dead stop. For me, anxiety is circular. Cyclical even. Spirals. I go from one node of thinking, to the next node, to the next.
For me it’s exhausting because I can’t make decisions. I can’t think straight and I completely grind to a halt. The decisions – even simple ones don’t make sense any more and an endless stream of “what ifs” begin, continue, and don’t ever seem to end. And then I can’t do anything because I’m terrified that I will make the wrong choice.
Before this gets any more sad sack – I realized that sometimes, for me- thinking about all this- I start to look at the worse case scenario. And it helps. Because in most cases, the worst case scenario isn’t all that bad. Or it’s manageable.
So that’s the end of this one I guess. What’s the worst that could happen? And then just close your eyes and let go.