Sometimes, somewhat but not strongly

Today’s been unique and special. The details aren’t particular but I’ve had a lot of time to ponder. The human experience, my own ideas, and my anxiety. It’s an unfortunate companion of late. I feel less eloquent than I used to be. I always felt like other authors explain things better.

They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They dont need to show their badges. I know these guys very well.

…then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity;but he always does that.”

-Page 47, Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Replace “loneliness” with anxiety and that fits me well. Don’t get me too wrong- depression leads me to loneliness also, but I’m talking about anxiety.

There’s a time when so much kicks in -life- whatever – and you just function on adrenalin, anxiety has a way of either pushing you forward or running you into a dead stop. For me, anxiety is circular. Cyclical even. Spirals. I go from one node of thinking, to the next node, to the next.

For me it’s exhausting because I can’t make decisions. I can’t think straight and I completely grind to a halt. The decisions – even simple ones don’t make sense any more and an endless stream of “what ifs” begin, continue, and don’t ever seem to end. And then I can’t do anything because I’m terrified that I will make the wrong choice.

Before this gets any more sad sack – I realized that sometimes, for me- thinking about all this- I start to look at the worse case scenario. And it helps. Because in most cases, the worst case scenario isn’t all that bad. Or it’s manageable.

So that’s the end of this one I guess. What’s the worst that could happen? And then just close your eyes and let go.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes, somewhat but not strongly

  1. I know how anxiety can be. It’s also just kind of part of my personality to always try to make the best choice, which I can never decide on, such that I end up not being able to make any choice at all. Then I beat myself up for it. Add anxiety to the mix, and it’s totally a mess. I’d caution you on the ‘what’s the worst that can happen’ type thinking though. I know it can be helpful some of the time, and that’s great. However it’s easy to fall into expecting or behaving as though the worst was always the case all in the name of ‘being prepared for the worst’. My own mother has this problem and it causes her great difficulty (though I don’t think she understands it that way). Also, your imagination of ‘the worst’ can get worse and worse over time. So, I’m not saying don’t ever use this coping mechanism (because it can really be helpful), but don’t rely too heavily on it or nasty anxiety will start to use it against you.

    • Thanks for the suggestion. I guess for my situation – as I’m getting ready to
      Move to a foreign country, my anxiety centers around not having the right things with me, or bringing stuff I don’t need. As I process “what’s the worst” it really just means I order stuff I need online If I can’t find it :). But I think you make valid points. Absolutely.

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